The Quiet Onez

No one ever talks about their deep rooted sadness.

We’re all desperate inside, yearning for contentment, but none of us want to express it.

No matter how positive I’ve tried to make myself feel, there are times when darkness overtakes me.

Little things begin to bother me. My co-workers don’t say “hi.” Close friends don’t respond to my texts. People seemingly look like they’re looking down on me.

The most minicule, mundane, and superficial jestures of people make me feel worthless.

It might sound dramatic, but fantasies of death run rampant in my mind. It’s a monthly occurence.

I ask myself over and over again,

“What good am I on this Earth?”

“Why do I even bother?”

Who would even care?

I don’t feel like I’m alone in this darkness. We all live in it. Some simply can distract themselves better than others.

There’s someone I know somewhat personally who’s currently on their death bed. And just like his life is slowly fading, he’s allowing himself to quietly drift away in silence.

I know that in his heart, he has felt the failure of his life. The fact that he’s dying is a failure to him in itself.

He feels like he’s already dead because he never truly lived.

Now that he’s at his end, the best thing he feels he can only do at this point is to make it so that no one feels bad after he’s gone.

I’m no different. Life to me simply difficult to justify a sense of true contentment.

I believe we weren’t meant to find true joy here on this Earth, rather, find joy in the small moments in life.

I find joy when I hear my daughter laugh.

I find joy when my wife is in good spirits and laughts at my jokes.

I find joy when people come to know God.

But because I’m so big picture, life overall is not joyful. I don’t go around skipping and hoping because I’m “alive” when half the time I don’t want to be.